Boats and Lakes

Dear R, I got your voice mail. Thank you!

I sent you an email saying so. But no reply. (Are you getting my emails? I have sent three or four over the year to the same address, no answers.)

Now, I can send you my phone number.

I finally got one. Shall I? Email me if you see this.

Meantime, this is a picture I thought you would like.

Best to you,

narcissism, relationships

I got a phone


‘Difficult relationships become like a puzzle’

How Do Adult Children of Narcissists Develop in Life?

Alexander Burgemeester


Remember, the child really just wants love and affection from their narcissistic parent. To admit that their parent is abusing them means giving up all hope that this love will ever come. Since the thought of this is very painful, children simply make excuses (often putting the blame on themselves), and carry on trying to get the love that they crave…

This is part of the reason that children of narcs end up in stormy, difficult marriages. If they find a spouse who is abusive in the same way as their parent, and they can get their new spouse to love them, then maybe their parent actually did love them all along. Maybe it really was their fault for not learning exactly how to act in order to get it. 

And so, difficult relationships become like a puzzle they have to solve, to prove their parent’s love really did exist – but was just being withheld. So they move from abuser to abuser, trying to beat the puzzle.

… is to remove the protectiveness around their parent. If the patient can accept that their parent was mistreating them, and that the love was probably not there, they can then break out of this cycle of bad relationships.

Of course this is a painful hurdle to jump, and as with many forms of therapy, things can get worse, emotionally speaking before they get better. But, life is easier on the other side of these hurdles.

found, narcissism, pop psychology, relationships

‘Be good with yourself before you put the chips back on the table’

The original question and post is here

The question is too vague to answer. Few people are qualified to make such a diagnosis. There is more then reading a few articles on the internet and reading the Wikipedia on the subject required before we all get to go accusing people that don’t give us what we want a narcissist. There are people, men and women that make poor decisions in relationships and that is not right. Assuming the purpose of the question is to learn rather or not their loved one is a narcissist, my simple answer would be

I have no idea. I don’t know you or the person in question, and I myself am not qualified to make such a diagnosis. I will share what I have learned from my own experience with the word and my opinions on it and maybe that will help some people.


It seems it has become such a popular trend for people that don’t get their way particularly in relationships to play the “poor-me” victim card, and rally all their support around, fill them all with a one-sided “poor-me” victim story and then use it in a deliberate attack on someone. Just because a person begins to pull away, withhold affection, or ends a relationship that wasn’t working for them does not make them a narcissist. Maybe they need space to reset their frame so they can assess the relationship, or they have a personal issue going on that is distracting them and they aren’t ready to share it, or they want to end the relationship because it’s just not what they are looking for and don’t know how because they don’t want to hurt the person, or maybe they are just bad and are hiding something. Most of these examples are not narcissistic qualities.

However, often times the “victim” fails to share with all their “support group” (either out of ignorance or sheer manipulation to set the table in their own favor) is that they couldn’t respect reasonable boundaries and space of the other person. Examples: over clingy, pushy, early predetermined outcomes of a fairy tale relationship are a few common examples. In relationships with longer timelines the same apply as one persons EQ outgrows their partner.

Discussion is going on in ‘Cojournal.’ See this page for info.

At the end of the day relationships sometimes end.

Emotional maturity is the key. People who act on their insecurity from prior relationships, or any negative and inappropriate emotional attachment to similar situations will always be the “victim”. At any time this person crosses the line of desperate selfish manipulation just to get something they want, that, at the end of the day they really don’t deserve because they still have not taken the time to do the work on themselves to heal from their past failed toxic relationships, or possibly some childhood abuse (sexually, physically, mentally, or all) will slowly start to reveal themselves.

These insecurities unfortunately drive people away that have done the work. This drives people that are whole away because they have done the work on their past, because we all have one. They don’t want or need a person or relationship in their life because they NEED it, or because it makes them feel better.

People don’t come into our lives to fill voids or pay the toll for past toxic relationships. New people we date, or friends we make don’t owe us anything. That is a bond and trust that takes time to build and must be earned. If a person feels a relationship just isn’t working for them, they aren’t a narcissist by pulling away and not showing enough affection. They might be just being polite to not lead the person on further since they feel differently, but might want to take their time to be sure before making such a decision. Maybe they are just normal, emotionally stable people that understand who they are and what they want, and It’s not a deliberate narcissistic act. The person with the story could be a desperate insecure person that drives everyone away and are great at, portraying the victim to gain sympathy from others with no regard for anyone’s feelings but their own. Could be the real narcissist may be staring right back at them in the mirror. Every relationship I have had to end with people like this have always followed the same pattern. The second an insecurity is triggered, a toxic relationship dynamic has been inserted into what may have to that point been great. Once this happens, the person who is the more emotionally stable will attempt work through the situation, but if it becomes a toxic, negative repeating behavior, [with] excuse[s], and puts an unreasonable emotional strain on the other, they will eventually withdraw and end the relationship. This is when the “victims” facebook will change from “the man/woman of my dreams” one day, to “he/she is a narcissist…” the next. Sometimes when a “victims” person ends the relationship, that “victim” may even stalk and relentlessly pursue their person behind the backs of their poor support group that is trying to help them. These are scary and dangerous people and you should be very careful when dealing with them. So are there bad people out there that play games and treat the people that love them badly, yes. I feel terrible for those victims, but be careful before you pick sides, because a true narcissist can just as easily portray the victim. They usually disappear from friend status quickly when they get into a new relationship, and other than to brag bout how amazing the new person is, they are to busy with that to be your friend when you need them.

So be cool open and work on yourself. We all have a past. That’s where it belongs, but unless you leave it there, it’s going to destroy relationships, and if your person really is a narcissist, you’re better off without them. Let them go, get help, heal, and be good with yourself before you put the chips back on the table.

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The original question was, ‘Do narcissists withhold affection, kissing, hand holding, etc.?’ See all answers at the original post, here.